I'm not doing terribly well right now. I can't focus on a damn thing. I'm reading sentences multiple times and still not retaining sufficiently so I'm spending hours and hours and hours pounding away at my study materials and I'm getting nowhere and I can't recall things which I absolutely do know. It's very frustrating.
There's actually a physical reason for this - going through workup, but basically right now I'd be a great OSCE station and the labs and imaging are more to confirm what's already pretty obvious - so I know I'll be doing a whole lot better once I get that side of things worked out. It's actually probably why I've been so flat out exhausted for months. But that doesn't make it any easier to cope with the fatigue and brain fog in the meantime.
This is all very difficult because I normally have extremely high retention for what I study and I've never had to brute force study like this, but my mind is so foggy right now that I'm actually having a hard time with basic day to day tasks. This is much worse than the third trimester 'baby brain' and I felt like an idiot with that.
It also doesn't help that while I'm dealing with absolutely soul-crushing fatigue, I'm about to start a 26 day stretch of work (three weekends in a row) with 7 call shifts in there, so I kind of want to curl up and cry. Post-call days are still work days. I don't leave until 10am post-call, which means I've worked ten hours on that day. So yeah, I still count post-call days as work days. My next day off is June 17th - the second last day of this rotation - and I've spent this entire weekend studying so I basically haven't had it 'off.'
Honestly I'm having a hard time finding any time for self-care. Okay, I'm not just having a hard time, I have had precisely no self-care time at all. I've barely seen my kids this rotation so I feel like if I'm not studying I should be with them, or taking some of the load off my husband, but I'm minimally functional right now right now and am saving all the energy I can for work.
I'm sure it's pretty evident by my posts lately that my mood is in my boots. I've basically spent all of today holed up in my office trying to study and failing miserably because I can't remember anything, so I've spent the last two hours starting at this stupid SIMPLE (online training) case feeling like the biggest idiot in the world because I just can't remember anything. And I'll feel like more of an idiot when I can't answer at the drop of a hat what the mechanism is for whatever drug that I read about six months ago and have never seen used clinically.
I've tried to write a post about this a few times, and have failed. I'm not even sure I'm going to post this one because I've been doing a lot of complaining lately, and this is what I signed up for so I really shouldn't.
I'd be lying if I said the thought of just leaving med school hasn't crossed my mind. I wouldn't, I never will, but damn it's tempting right now to just say 'screw it' and walk away from this and not feel stupid anymore and have to work 10-16 hours a day for a almost a month straight.
I'm trying to be positive. It's only four more weeks. It's only four more weeks. I will come out the other side of this with much better essential skills and knowledge. This is a critically important formative experience for my future as a physician.
This will make me stronger. I know it will. I just have to get through it. A month is nothing in the long run.
But it's a long month, looking at it from this end.