Tuesday, 9 May 2017

Eep

So day one of CTU and I'm basically deer-in-headlights level terrified, feel completely out of my depth, and feel like all of my classmates - many of whom have done CTU electives and so actually have some idea of what we're supposed to be doing - are way, way better off than I am right now.

I need a ton of study time because I basically need to review the entirety of the last nearly two years because I feel like nothing at all has stuck in my mind.

Study time is one thing I don't have.

We got our tutorial topics for tomorrow at nearly 8pm. I've been studying, but just do not feel like I've even begun to appropriately cover anything adequately for tomorrow, and I'm on call tomorrow.

Time management has always been my forte. I'm good at getting stuff done, at prioritizing, but I have no idea how I'm going to make enough study time on this rotation.

When I'm there during the day, I don't have time for anything. I've already cut down my pumping to 2 sessions a day, but that still means I'm losing about 45 minutes in that 9 hour day where I could be doing clinical stuff, so I have to get the same amount of work done in less time (3-4 hours of that 9 is meeting/running the list/teaching) which means I need to be even more efficient than my peers.

I'm finding it rather hard to be optimistic about the next six weeks.  This is an absolutely critical rotation to my development as a future physician. Much of the information I already know, I just have to work on my confidence in putting together a plan. It's not that I have massive knowledge deficits - not as huge as I feel like they are anyway - but it's just a matter of putting things together in a coherent and structured manner, and learning the ins and outs of how this unit works.

Today, I'm feeling very, very student-y. Unprepared, unknowledgeable, and almost paralyzed with anxiety about screwing up.

I know I'll get over that feeling, and I'll figure out how to make my studying time work because I always do, but in the meantime, I'm going to just have to remember to breathe.

At least I'm usually able to do that.

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