Tuesday, 18 April 2017

Finding Silence

After my current rotation - internal med selective - I have my ortho rotation and then I'm done with two week rotations until my electives this summer. Because I had a 6 week elective block followed by my anaes/selective/ortho block, I'm doing six 2 week rotations in a row.

It's nice to rotate through a bunch of services and all, but by the time I've learned how things are done on one unit, I'm moving onto another. I have three days left on this rotation - I've only done 6 because of the holiday weekend - and I'm just now getting to the point I feel like I'm able to comfortably do actual work that contributes to the team instead of primarily learning through observation or needing to be babysat through my work.

This is also just a really, really awful week for me right now. M is not sleeping at night and while I try to trade off with my husband so that at least one of us ends up well-rested, many nights neither of us is getting much sleep. I'm averaging probably 4-5 hours a night for the last 2-3 weeks, and that's really not an exaggeration. I can usually manage fine on that for a couple of weeks, but I am reaching the point of exhaustion saturation and I desperately need a reset.

I also have pretty much no downtime at all. I come home from work at 5-ish. Hang out with the kids, maybe catch up a bit on Facebook while my kids do their homework or use their screen time allowance, eat supper, play with the baby a bit while my husband gets the older kids to bed, and then I study until around 11pm, get ready for bed and lay out my stuff for the next day, then crawl into bed around midnight. Often the baby wakes up right around then, so I nurse her back to sleep (I'd have to pump if I didn't) and then get her settled right around then.

Then I get up around 5:30-6am, shower and dress and get to work for 7-ish.

Weekends are spent with my family, evenings once kids are in bed are spent studying.

I am almost never alone. Usually I'm nursing while I study, or I'm attempting to spend time with my husband - well, at least in proximity to my husband if not actually interacting with him - or I'm with the kids.

This weekend I took two hours - during the day when the kids were awake, at that - and went and played video games in the bedroom. All by myself for two hours straight. And I realized that was actually the longest stretch of time I had spent alone not doing something either for school or my family since I got back from Ottawa almost two months ago.

My exhaustion is coming across in my functioning at work (school, whatever.) I'm not performing at the level of which I am capable because I am so tired.

I think this weekend I'm going to just shut myself up in my office for one day and just do nothing.

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